How To Poop At School


Torie Wold, Staff Writer

We’ve all had that experience. Your day is going fine and dandy, and then BOOM, you get the feeling you have to poop. Nerves start as you realize you now have to do your very intimate business in the very public school bathrooms that somehow never fail to have someone in there. Legend has it these bathrooms are never empty.

Nevertheless, this tutorial should give you the perfect steps on how to successfully poop in the school bathrooms, and still leave with your dignity intact.

  1. Go during class
    1. If you’re a normal high school student, you would know bathrooms during passing period can get a little crazy. If you are trying to do your business, passing period is the absolute worst time to do it. Wait at least 20 minutes into the period before you politely excuse yourself to get your business done. This is essential if you want to experience the least amount of traffic flow in the bathroom as possible.
  2. Keep it contained
    1. For precautionary sake, keeping your legs sealed on the toilet seat. This is crucial if you do not want to release the smell. This will be a life saver if you’re trying to prevent poop particles from entering the poorly circulated air in the bathrooms.
  3. Courtesy flush
    1. To make sure the smell is 100% gone, you must courtesy flush. After you’ve dropped your load, but before you’ve unsealed your legs from the seat, MAKE SURE YOU FLUSH! I know this may seem like an unnecessary step but it’s actually one of the most important. If you don’t do this step, you risk revealing the smells you have just created into the bathroom causing it to linger for a good amount of time after.
  4. Work fast
    1. If no one is in the bathroom with you, you got lucky. But this means you need to hurry, because the bathroom is never empty for long. Poop as quick as you can, but make sure you still keep your legs sealed and that you practice the courtesy flush. If all of this is done before someone enters the bathroom, you have a very low chance of someone suspecting a poop just went down.
  5. Wait for sounds or make a sound
    1. If you get unlucky and someone walks in while your finishing your business, I’ve got just the trick for you. This is a pretty self-explanatory but you wait for someone to make a noise, before you plop. If the bathroom remains silent, which is a likely outcome, you may have to make some noise yourself. Either drop something, violently grab some toilet paper, or go for the classic “Are you still in here?” to distract all fellow bathroom peers from hearing the inevitable poop plop. If you want to keep your dignity, you have to make sure the plop is never heard.
  6. Last, bring hand sanitizer
    1. Always stay clean and fresh after a bathroom visit. “Make sure you bring a small hand sanitizer with you,” senior Payton Quinn says. This is not always needed but is helpful to have on hand. The Glacier Peak soap dispensers are very unreliable and seem like they are always empty so bringing a hand sanitizer could potentially save your life. Also, the strong scent should distract anyone who walks in from any signs of poop.

I know poop is a weird subject to talk of, but hopefully, this was helpful to you. Everybody poops so we might as well talk about it. Discussion of awkward topics, such as poop, encourages more discussion until everyone has learned all the tips and tricks of pooping. This should cause more successful and empowering poops for everybody.