I Give Flamin’ Hot Cheetos a Five-Star Review


Tia Vogtsberger, Staff Writer

Hot Cheetos… A true work of art. The simplicity of them is breath-taking. Their color make them simply, stunning masterpieces. 

Chester Cheetah is always there when you need an unhealthy snack to binge Netflix or when you simply need to stress eat. He is the perfect friend to have on a road trip or your main course for lunch.

When eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, the tongue makes trips to hell and back many enjoyable times. In fact, it is a treat, a vacation of sorts, a sun burn for your taste buds if you will. Especially the little crumbs at the bottom of the bag, they have a hint of a burnt aftertaste. 

Your fingers are the ones who suffer the most though. They have to live with the blood-stain color left after you have finished the whole bag, roughly nine servings for a 8.5 oz. bag. 

The Red 40 Lake dye will probably kill, but why not go out with a hot, spicy bang?

There is also a special unspoken rule with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos: you mustn’t leave any crumbs at the bottom of the bag. Cool Ranch Doritos, fine. Sour Cream and Onion Lays? Acceptable. Regular Cheetos, yes, they taste the same after the seventh one. But, name one time, where someone has thrown away Hot Cheetos and not instantly died for their crime. You can’t. Everyone knows. Chester the Cheetah has made it crystal clear that Hot Cheetos deserve our total respect; we must eat them out of awe and respect. They are the Lord of the Chips. We must recognize and pledge our existence to them. 

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are some peoples greatest companion, other peoples greatest fear. 

To those sad souls who do not like spicy food:

If you have read this whole thing, and just realized that you can’t handle spicy foods and it makes you sad, I mourn for you, but don’t worry, I’ll eat your portion of Hot Cheetos for you. Thanks.