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A Definitive List Of The Worst High School Cliques

All+of+cliques+combined+into+one+picture.
All of cliques combined into one picture.

All of cliques combined into one picture.

Alexandra Kube

Alexandra Kube

All of cliques combined into one picture.

Alexandra Kube, Staff Writer

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Disclaimer: This article is meant to be satirical and the author realizes that not all people fit into these stereotypes, but she is going to roast them anyway.

8. ASB Members

Being the best of the bad, ASB members inflict very few crimes on the student body, save for their bubbly handwriting and calligraphy posters. One motivational poster that had a drastic effect on my mental health stated, “I think you should just go for it”. That was the day I looked myself in the mirror and said, “I’m going to do it. I’m going to commit suicide”. The facade of love and acceptance from these Young Life fanatics has as much effect on the student’s ambition as Mr. Larson’s morning speeches. One of the many obligatory rules for ASB kids is to maintain an amateur photography account on Instagram. Once the account gains a following, the ASB member is required to ask for money in exchange for overly edited photos of a girl sitting in grass.

7. AP Students

How will you know if you had the pleasure of encountering an AP student? Don’t worry, they will tell you. Since they are occupied with bragging about college credit, they barely have time to notice you aggressively sticking pins in the head of their voodoo doll. Determined to have their life be an episode of House of Cards (minus Kevin Spacey, obviously) they refuse to associate with those in general education. These intellectuals are in ADVANCED placement for a reason. If you dare take anything less than AP Computer Jazz Tap taught by Elon Musk, you most definitely will be working for them someday.

6. Yearbook Nerds

While AP students prepare for their successful career, the Yearbook Nerds believe they already have one. Nothing brings them more pride than waltzing into a class and uttering those eight words: “Hey can I borrow them for an interview.” Destined to write for Cosmopolitan Snapchat articles about self care, they wear their school-issued camera and press pass at all times in order to sneak into school assemblies and document historic out of sync dance routines. It is required to only take photos during the quietest moments of every event so the clicks of the camera bring attention to their sub-par photography skills. When not bleaching their hair, they write superficial stories ranking the school’s best eyebrows that everyone skips over to get to the signature pages.

5. Indie Kids

According to U.S. News and World Report, only 12% of Glacier Peak’s student body is economically disadvantaged. So why does nearly half our school thrift their clothes and tweet from their iPhone X about not having any money? This subculture can easily be labeled as the privileged Indie Kids. Cosplaying as Edna Mode from The Incredibles, the Indie Kids are required to use a Mac DeMarco lyric as their Instagram caption in order to gain respect from fellow Indies. Once formally acknowledged as a Winona Ryder impersonator, they are rewarded with a septum piercing and non-prescription circular glasses. They typically can be found sporting a $100 Swedish backpack, $70 jeans that they rip/write on for that extra Edge™ and $140 leather Doc Martens that they wear every day despite being a self-proclaimed vegan.

4. Emos

Although the fad of layered side sweeps and neon fishnet gloves died in 2009, Emos have evolved in order to carry on their legacy, as Charles Darwin explained in his evolutionary theory “survival of the fittest”. The chunky rubber bracelets have turned to chokers, My Chemical Romance has turned to Twenty One Pilots and the fur tails have become cat ear headbands. But don’t be too alarmed by these changes, as they are still recognizable by their greasy hair and Tumblr speak. If they address you as “a smol bean”, you have finally been accepted as one of their own.

3. Popular People

The category of “popular” originated in elementary school and is blindly accepted because people are too busy playing Fortnite to care. Born with silver spoons in their mouths and foundation covering their lips, our child stars have grown to become narcissists with bad spray tans and overgrown acrylic nails. These bottle blondes embrace black culture, despite being whiter than a La La Land fan account. They can often be found liking fake deep tweets from Post Malone parody Twitter accounts and juuling into their Lululemon lunch bags.

2. Jocks

When not asking girls for nudes or building their SoundCloud rapping career, Jocks spend their time thinking about The Big Game. Being the human embodiment of the “You Know I Had to Do It to Em” meme, their large diamond earrings, undercut hairstyles and toxic masculinity are more overwhelming than a BMX bike assembly. Do not be surprised if you invite a Jock to a funeral and he wears basketball shorts and white Nikes. Suits are specifically for gamedays. The grind never ends, not even for Death itself.

1. Theatre Kids

While the rest of the cliques tend to keep to themselves, theatre kids make it their personal responsibility to aggressively time step their way into everyone’s lives. They usually introduce themselves by singing at people on the top of their nicotine-laden lungs and pantomiming all of Act 1 from Hamilton. Being terribly egotistical, they view themselves as the second coming of Idina Menzel, when in fact they are barely a Russell Crowe in the movie version of Les Mis. Determined to win a Tony for their performance of Flower #6, they show their enthusiasm for the role on stage and in real life by never shutting up and giving non-consensual back rubs.

So what makes theatre kids the worst clique of all? The answer is simple: they cherry-pick the worst attributes from other groups, creating a tap dancing super breed. They steal their narcissism from the popular people and jocks, their fake empathy from ASB members, their pretentiousness from Indie kids, AP students and Yearbook Nerds, and their body odor from the Emos. Despite this blatant plagiarism, drama kids pride themselves on their originality.

 

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7 Comments

7 Responses to “A Definitive List Of The Worst High School Cliques”

  1. Brooke on March 9th, 2018 8:40 am

    This is literally the best thing i’ve ever read

    [Reply]

    Alexandra Kube Reply:

    THANK YOU AAHHHH

    [Reply]

  2. Isabelle Ivankovich on March 10th, 2018 9:10 am

    Flower #6 and non consensual back rubs 😂😂😂😂😂😂 nail on the head. You rock Alex

    [Reply]

  3. taylor bopko on March 12th, 2018 8:40 am

    this is the best thing i ever read in my life. truly Pulitzer prize winning

    [Reply]

  4. Claire Dayton on March 15th, 2018 4:42 pm

    this is the best thing i’ve ever read especially the part about the yearbook people bleaching their hair cuz that was definitely @ me. hahaha I loved this it made my day

    [Reply]

  5. Abi Ricci on March 26th, 2018 10:15 am

    This is the greatest thing I have ever read in my entire life. 11/10 on this one.

    [Reply]

  6. Jorah on April 26th, 2018 12:35 pm

    Alex why you gotta come at me like that? I mean you’re right but still.

    [Reply]

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