Why Goldfish Are The Superior Snack


Cole Eydt

Goldfish crackers.

Cole Eydt, Staff Writer

All right, listen up. Goldfish are the best snack. It is a given fact, and if you don’t believe me, allow me to tell you why you have been wrong all your life.

Goldfish are the snack that smile back, and if that’s not already a reason enough for you to whole-fully enjoy these delicious snacks then you must be numb to the world.

Let us imagine that you just opened a bag of Goldfish, their savory smell wafts up through your nostrils , and you can feel your mouth start to water and salivate a little bit, this is truly a euphoric experience. Slowly, you lift the orange cracker towards your mouth, you can not stop the tear from running down the side of your cheek. You place the fish on top of your tongue, salty side down of course, and as the salt soaks into your taste buds the cracker slowly deteriorates inside of your mouth before you can finally swallow down the snack, and then and only then, are you satisfied, but no longer than half a second later, do you crave the exquisite snack all over again.

“I love Goldfish so much that in advanced molecular biology we named out aqua-ponics system, ‘the snack that smiles back’ because we have Goldfish,” Savannah Eckstrom said.

Although Eckstrom is vegan, she still eats Goldfish at any opportunity she gets.

You can’t resist it, you find yourself lifting up another cracker towards your mouth. You tell yourself it’s your last one, but deep down you know that’s a lie. Slowly, you smell its alluring, and mystic smell, you can’t wait for it to go into your mouth. You place the fish on top of your tongue, salty side down, again, and as the salt melts into your taste buds the cracker slowly becomes soggy inside of your mouth before you can finally swallow down the snack. The first couple fish will get lodged into your gums, that’s a given, and it was Pepperridge Farm’s tactic to have you save a little snack for later. Their CEO, Melissa Smith is a culinary genius. These tasty nutritious snacks are only have 266 calories in a one cup serving.

“Goldfish are the best snack at anytime of the day and I would choose them over any other cracker,” Emmalee Mikulsky said.

Mikulsky has been eating goldfish for as long as she can remember. If you aren’t craving a goldfish right now, I’m scared for you.